Elmo's bedtime lullaby

The long awaited sequel to this post, The Toyland Express presents Elmo's Bedtime Lullaby.



TE

Mousegate scandal rocks Toyland

MRS MOUSE OF SMALLVANIA, employee of the Barry Bramble Department Store, was aghast to find a box of rat and mouse poison, pictured, on the passage motorway outside Emily's room this week.

Unverified reports suggest that the poison is for the loft, but toys are not so sure. Friends and co-workers close to Mrs Mouse says she is concerned that somebody in the house, probably from outside Emily's Toyland, had spotted her.

The Express managed to catch a concerned Mrs Mouse apprehensively smelling a mince pie at her house this lunchtime, who said, 'Whether or not they didn't think I was a squeaking toy, I think this is crazy! I'm standing up for mice rights everywhere.'

Elsewhere, one Bratz doll said the furore was making a mountain out of a molehill. 'It's mice's rights gone mad!' commented Natalie Star.

Toys of Christmas present

The Toyland Express today, as promised, asked three readers what they are wishing for this Christmas from Father Christmas.


Marissa Cooper

Marissa Cooper, 20, a student of colouring-in at the University of Sunnydale, said, 'I want some dresses, maybe a bag, maybe a new Jellycat friend - probably an animal - some chocolate dirums, a satsuma, some ski boots, a pink iPod nano...' and continued to talk until utterly out of breath.

In Smallvania, the next Mayor, Lucas Gabriel, was also doing a bit of shopping. He was spotted buying some wrapping paper at an 'Everything Must Go' sale at a closing down Playmobil chain store.

'This Christmas I'd like to see world peace, economic stability, healthcare for all toys and better education,' he said in his likeable accent. When asked for something that would fit into a stocking, he added 'And maybe some new sneakers. Y'know, to shoot some hoops in.'


Mayor-elect Lucas Gabriel, with his Secretary for Christmas Affairs Santa Claus

Finally, the Express spoke with Kensington Palace itself, asking the king what he would like to see underneath his royal tree come December 25th. 'Well I'd like a spot trimmer, for my spots; some new pawprint pyjamas; a bathroom robe - get it?!; and some chocolate dirums.'

Glancing at our reporter's notebook, he added that he'd like to world peace also.


His Royal Highness King Cheeky

TE

Toys of Christmas past

The Toyland Express has been remembering the many significant characters who first peeped their heads out of Emily's stocking on past Christmasses.

In what will be five years ago this December 25th, probably the most prominent character of all time Marissa Cooper bounded into Toyland. Though ignored for her first few months and then merely called 'Loud American Dolly', she is now personal adviser to the King and a larger-than-lifesize poster of her adourns the walls of Boston. A year later, in 2004, what would later become her trademark car arrived.


2004: Barbie car

Not all Christmas characters are successful. In 2004, with no new Jellycats, photographic records show that a certain polystyrened-headed troublemaker Eleanor arrived, who is now missing presumed broken.


2004: Eleanor

After the success of Marissa, who at that time hung around mostly with Princess Carly Spots and a plastic McDonald's snail, pressure grew for Father Christmas to bring her a Jellycat friend, and so came Sabrina, now Toyland's Hogwarts-graduate magical doctor.


2005: Sabrina Spellman

The following year, and after the creation of The Toyland Express, came a Build-a-Bear koala bear, perhaps in honour of Grace (of Grace's Toyland) going away for a year. He went on to become Prime Minister Nizz of the Land of Old Toys, which declared independence from Toyland as 'Oldsville'.


2006: Prime Minister Nizz

Also in 2006 came the fiery haired Texan Claire McKuchen, a Jellycat willing to give Marissa a run for her money in original voice terms and also loudness. Often referred to as the most glamorous of the Jellycat Bunch, Claire fits in well as Marissa's best friend. She now works as the tour guide to Kensington Palace and has a pet rabbit called Snowski.


2006: Claire McKuchen

Which brings us up to last year, in this brief look at just a few of the toys of the last few Christmasses. Phoebe Nightingale became the fourth and final twelve inch Jellycat, and became known for her different hair texture and tendency to fall asleep whenever possible.


2007: Phoebe Nightingale

In the NEXT Toyland Express
Toys of Christmas present: We ask three important characters what they are hoping to find in their stockings this year

Bramble Cafe hygeine scandal

THE BARRY BRAMBLE DEPARTMENT STORE CAFÉ in Smallvania has had its poor food hygeine standards exposed by the Toyland Express. These exclusive photographs, taken today, clearly show a dead moth sat in the middle of the floor in the café, just inches away from where regulars Jeff and Mabel Badger sit.


The offending article, five minutes ago

The Express has informed the Toyland Inspector, whose job it is to inspect health and safety across Boston and Smallvania and close places down where he thinks necessary.

Barry Bramble, the owner of the café, said 'This was a rare lapse of tidiness in the café, the offending moth falling from the ceiling and the photographs taken before our staff could clean it up. The moth was far away from all food preparation areas and nobody should be alarmed. I would be happy to buy the Toyland Inspector's lunch over a discussion of the event.'


A toy's eye view: a covert image taken on a customer's iPhone

Bramble, tipped to be seeking a position on TV's 'Dragon's Den' to restore his ailing fortunes after being forced to make severe cutbacks in his business, is said to be privately worried that this latest incident will make customers flock to his nearby rival, the Chris and Spurry Steakplace, which has recently started serving breakfast.

In other news
Photos added to Christmas lights switch on (TE 25th November 2008) article

Toys unemployed reaches 9 year high

UNEMPLOYMENT IN TOYLAND HAS REACHED the highest level since Emily was born. The number of adult toys without specific jobs in Toyland is estimated to be around 60%.

A toy only needs to walk past several families of Sylvanians to wonder what they actually do - such as the Dalmation family, and toys such as the Bratz doll Zara.

'She just sits on the sq***king toilet all day!' observed Mrs Mouse, who operates the till at the Bramble toyshop.

In Boston the situation isn't much better, with toys such as Phoebe Nightingale out of work. In Smallvania unemployment will only go up when Mayor Puddleduck loses his job.

'Woah this article is horrible!' commented Marissa Cooper, a full-time student at the University of Sunnydale who also works as personal adviser to King Cheeky. 'Don't name names, especially not Pheebs that's mean!'

The news isn't really so surprising considering the number of toys only goes up whilst there is still only a small amount of shops and occupations that toys can take.

'Everyone seems to cope perfectly well just sitting on their woolen bottoms all day!' said King Cheeky happily.

Mayor-elect Lucas Gabriel said he planned to give as many jobs to Smallvanians who wanted them as possible, after appointing Santa Claus Secretary for Christmas Affairs yesterday.

In other news
Philip back in Toyland tomorrow - Boston and Smallvania excited

TE

Lounge Christmas tree to be decorated Sunday, officials say

THE CHRISTMAS TREE IN THE LOUNGE will be put up on Sunday at around 3pm, according to official reports.

Smallvanian Mayor-elect Lucas Gabriel announced his appointment of a Secretary for Christmas Affairs today, choosing a wooden dolls house Santa known affectionately as 'Little Saint Nick'.

Gabriel said, on the steps of the dolls house, 'After hearing reports that the Christmas tree is to go up in a few days, my Mayoral team will be making some key decisions, and I think Santa Claus has the long-term knowledge and experience of the holiday season to make this year the best Christmas for Smallvanians.'

Mayor P. Puddleduck seemed disgruntled that everyone seems to have forgotten that he is actually still the Mayor and will remain so until January 20th.

The Santa Claus toy then arrived on his sleigh, driven by reindeer and jingling with bells.

'Ho ho ho! Yes The Christmas Tree will go up on Sunday and I hope as many Smallvanians as possible will visit!' he said to excited Sunnydale Infants children, before handing out small token presents from the local Barry Bramble Department Store discount shelf.

Traditionally toys visit the Christmas tree every year and enjoy playing on the branches between the lights, and climbing up to heights as high as 5'6. It is also a time of seeing seasonal toys such as the Granny Dryden from Postman Pat tree decoration.

The more rotund members of Toyland may be anticipating the chocolate tree decorations. 'Wawww chocolate decorations?! I'm there!' said HRH Prince Simba, speeding off before being stopped by his sensible sister Carly, who said he'd have to wait a few days.

Polly Pocket airlines are offering special reduced fares until midnight for flights down to the lounge.

TE

In other news
Emily feeling better after wintery bug

'Wintery bug' not literally a bug, Boston reassured

Prime Minister Nizz of the Land of Old Toys says Christmas isn't so great for old toys, who are cast aside to make way for visiting Granny and Granda

Christmas lights switch on

TOYS WRAPPED UP IN THEIR SCARVES AND MITTENS LAST NIGHT to watch the Toyland Christmas lights switch on in the shopping district Smallvania Square.


A pink Christmas tree in the Barry Bramble Department Store yesterday

The decorations were declared officially open by local has-been celebrity Hershey Bear, a soul singer most popular in the seventies. He also sang a version of 'Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow' which he dedicated to a 'special Californian Jellycat.'

'I'll let it snow alright... in his PORRIDGE!' commented an unimpressed Marissa Cooper, 20.

'That doesn't even make sense, big sis!' replied her little sister Kaitlin, 9.

The centrepiece of the decorations is a gigantic (by small toy perspectives) pink Christmas tree, described by local schoolboy Jonathan Bramble, sporting a football shirt, as 'screamingly girly'.


The lights during the daytime, and, top picture, at bedtime

In today's paper
Emily publicly comments to Toyland Express at its offices that Ducky is 'feeling better' and 'make sure everyone knows that'
Opinion: White Teddy on why he is actually enjoying all this cold weather

Ducky 'upset' and 'just a toy' slur

DUCKY MALLARD IS SAID TO BE 'SADDENED AND UPSET' at reports that Emily called him 'just a toy'. Jemima Puddleduck, Ducky's Smallvanian penpal, explained this state of affairs while anxiously waiting for his next letter.

'The comments were taken out of context,' said Winnie the Pooh, Mayor Boston. 'Emily didn't mean it like that at all. Now where's my honey, honey?' he added to Sapphire Teddy.

Even Kensington Palace had something to say. King Cheeky, resurrecting another of his old catchphrases for the second time this week, said 'Don't worry, Ducky. It happens to all toys eventually.'

Emily has declined to comment to The Toyland Express.

Ducky, Toyland's second most popular character, is four years old.

Breaking news: Pirates sail near Toyland shores

A PIRATE SHIP IS SAILING OFF THE SHORE OF BOSTON, it emerged last night. At the time of this report it is not known what type of pirates they are (Playmobil or Lego for example) or what their intentions are.


Artists impression of what the pirate ship might look like close up

'I say!' announced King Cheeky with an uncharacteristic return to his old catchphrase. 'I advise everyone to stay calm. We will fight off these pirates and make 'em walk the plank! Aarr!' His personal advisor was heard whispering to him that this wasn't a time for joking.

Historically pirates are prolific in Toylands across the world, being a favourite toy item of children everywhere, though usually boys. An abandoned and dilapidated Lego pirate ship was once exhibited in Smallvania from the loft two years ago, but other than that Toyland has no experience with pirates, who are known to steal, pillage and plunder. Security has been tightened around Princess Carly, a likely target for kidnap and extortionate ransom.

'Security has also been tightened around Snowski, my bunny rabbit!' said a fiery-haired Texan Jellycat to our reporter.


Pictured: A pirate who once plundered Emily's friend Emma's Toyland, sailing over from her brother Jonathan's Toyland.

The Mayor-elect Lucas Gabriel reassured Smallvanians that he was working with Mayor Puddleduck and would not give in to any of the pirates' demands.

'Hang on...' added a certain plump duck coming out of the Duckdale Academy at 3.15pm yesterday afternoon. 'Does Boston even HAVE a shore?'

Ducky is four years old.

In today's Express
Cheeky says Boston's sea is the corridor
Ducky practises for Dad's birthday tomorrow
Adriana Atwood: Why pirates may be just what Toyland needs

Seven historic days for Toyland

A WEEK IS A LONG TIME IN POLITICS and an even longer time in Toyland, where a series of storylines and a visit from Philip ensured there were always developments for the Express to cover. Here we view the week in summary:

Lucas Gabriel elected first Bratz Mayor
THE YOUNG L'IL BRATZ DOLL LUCAS GABRIEL was elected Mayor of Smallvania in a landslide a week ago today. Despite having only lived in Toyland since Emily's 9th birthday less than seven months ago, his smooth half-Italian half-American style soon won over admirers, his tanned skin and short black hair accompanying a relaxed personality, contrasting with his best friend Ryan Atwood's increasingly whiney temprament.


Toys across the world celebrated the Lucas victory over Puddleduck

In the past week the Mayor-elect, who will take office on January 20th 2009, announced a break with the policies of Sylvanian Mayor P. Puddleduck, now described as a 'lame duck' Mayor, which is a little cruel as his foot frequently has to be superglued back on.

Toys agree the election of a Bratz doll, who make up less than 10% of the Smallvanian population, and a half-Italian one at that, is a historic moment that will be remembered for centuries to come.

'Wawww its the most important thing The Toyland Express has ever covered!' said his supporter and housemate Ryan Atwood, before adding, 'except maybe that one about the guinea pigs arriving.'

Chris and Spurry Steakplace Starts Serving Breakfast
The equivalent seismic event in culinary terms this weekend was when Chris and Spurry started serving breakfast at their restaurant in downtown Smallvania, on the arrival of a Russian doll named Natalya and her quiet friend.

Old toy donated
Surprising attention was also paid to Oldsville/the Land of Old Toys this week as news spread that the toy dog who was as light as polystyrene had been sent in a shoebox to poor children for charity. Bramble, who was Marshmellow's best friend, was praised as 'doing the most noble thing a toy can do' by giving over her life to charity by King Cheeky.

Toyland not rocked by spooky goings on
Certain members of the American population were disappointed by the lack of any recognition of Hallowe'en this year on Friday 31st October.

'Emily didn't even do a pumpkin!! I did go trick or treating but people gave more candy to my little sister Kaitlin than me!! They musta thought I was just supervising her or something!' said Marissa Cooper, 20, who went "treat or tricking" as she called it, with her nine-year-old sister Kaitlin.

Express Archive: Spooky goings on in Toyland shock

Boston hosts firework display
The week of news was not a complete washout for Boston, the political capital of Toyland, and not were the fireworks a complete washout, despite heavy rain on the day. King Cheeky and the Mayor of Boston Winnie the Pooh orchestrated an outside display watched by hundreds on Sunshine Avenue.

'I particularly enjoyed it,' said Ducky, who insisted he stuck to bread so that he wouldn't 'have to go to Dr Sabrina in the morning'. Ducky is four years old.

TE

Lucas landslide predicted as Smallvania goes to the polls

VOTING OPENED ACROSS SMALLVANIA TODAY, with Smallvania school enjoying a day off as hundreds of Sylvanians, L'il Bratz and other generic small toys formed the largest voter turnout in a mayoral election in living history.

The vote is for the position of Mayor of Smallvania, the most powerful job after King Cheeky's. Candidates are Lucas Gabriel (a Mediterranean L'il Bratz doll), Barry Bramble (a Wolverhampton-born businessman and Sylvanian) and the current Mayor himself P. Puddleduck (Sylvanian).


Pictured: This action figure toy, named Barack, expressed his support for Lucas

'It's the most exciting election I've seen since JFK was elected Mayor of Smallvania in 1960,' said Jeff Badger, the 100-year old former Mayor.

'I'm so happy to be young and supporting Lucas!' said postman Ryan, who has changed his profile picture on Facebook to one as Lucas to show his support.

'I think it will be a close election and I'm voting Puddleduck,' said Mr Dalmation.

The Toyland Express editor will be staying up all night at a special election party as the results come in at the Bratz Bar from 10pm - 4am tonight, and tomorrow this paper will report on the winner.

TE

Elmo prank call

Mayoral campaign reaches final straight

Pictured: Barry Bramble on the campaign trail. Polls predict he will lose heavily

ACROSS TOYLAND TOYS HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR 'the most important election in a generation'. Just two days remain until the Smallvanian Mayoral election, when the most powerful man in Smallvania will be elected. Even though only Smallvanian residents can vote, the election has attracted Toyland-wide attention for the charismatic and unconventional candidates. The Toyland Express now provides you with your indispensable guide to the big night.


Pictured: The Puddleduck family, minus Jemima

Mayor P. Puddleduck
The incumbent mayor is seeking re-election for a third term. He has been tough on crime, and approved of King Cheeky firing Elmo as chief policeman. He was criticised last month, in a story covered by the Express, for installing Smallvania's first electric light in his own house. He was also criticised for his behaviour after a particularly bad spell of Hurricane Julie, when damage caused by the hoover included the destruction of both the juice stand and the Clothing Clothing shop.
Odds: 50:1


Pictured: The Bramble family: Jonathan, Barry, Liz and Emma

Barry B. Bramble
Controversially, local entrepreneur Barry Bramble is standing for mayor. Voters worry that having a man who already owns most of Smallvania as part of his company Bramble Enterprises, should not also have control of the Mayoral keys, the most powerful Toyish position after King Cheeky himself. He stands for major tax cuts for businesses and the end of environmental restrictions on businesses.
Odds: 100:1


Pictured: Lucas Gabriel, the favourite in this exciting race

Lucas Gabriel
Never before has a candidate for a Toyland election attracted as much attention as Lucas Gabriel. If elected, he would be the first ever Hispanic toy to hold a major position. He is also the first non-Sylvanian candidate to be taken seriously. He stands for a major break with the Puddleduck years.

'No-one even knows what the Mayor does. It's time to fix that. Thank you and God Bless Smallvania,' he ended one of his trademark excellent public speeches today on the steps to the dolls house. An adoring crowd looked on, beaming.

Gabriel lives in the Bratz house and is also remarkably young, seeking the title of Mayor at the age of just twenty-five. He shot to fame after Marissa Cooper produced an internet video on YouTube titled 'I Got a Crush on Lucas', which received over a million hits in under a week.

His supporters are keen not to be complacent though. Despite polls on average showing that 99% of Smallvanians support him, they continue to campaign tirelessly and inspiringly.
Odds 2:1

Full election coverage will be running at a special election party from 10pm - 4am on Tuesday night at the Bratz Bar and also the Chris & Spurry Steakplace.

TE

Toys surprised by snow

ACROSS TOYLAND, RESIDENTS WERE ALL SURPRISED TODAY when a heavy downpour turned into gently falling snowflakes. The incident was remarked upon within seconds on Facebook.

'Marissa Cooper is putting her snowsuit on!' 5 seconds ago.
'Ducky Mallard is oh my goodness!! The pond is frozen =(' about an hour ago.
'Cheekius Spots is enjoying the snow! You don't get this where I come from!' 2 hours ago.
'Barry Bramble is saying come to the Barry Bramble Department Store where we have special discounts on winter gloves, scarves and musical earmuffs!'

Other toys were less impressed, particularly Chris and Spurry Steakface. Chris said he was 'rather cold' as all he wears is a flimsy red tie, and his wife Spurry was afraid her voicebox would get wet.


Marissa Cooper, 20, enjoys the snow this afternoon in Boston Park

Such unseasonal snow is a sure sign that the Bramble Department Store will soon be putting up its Christmas displays.

In other news
Sabrina Spellman hosting Hallowe'en Bash this Friday
Sunnydale Juniors display carved pumpkins at weekly market

Chico has Chico's

Pictured: Chico Gonzalez at Chico's Mexican restaurant in Royal Leamington Spa, where he chose between a variety of dishes including chicken in fajitas, chicken in tacos or chicken in enchilladas.

'At least there was no duck in tacos!' commented Ducky, who later performed his signature Happy Birthday tune for Mummy's birthday. Ducky is four years old.

Also in today's Sunday Express
Whitey's mum, Sapphire, moves into the bed in Boston - Ducky delighted
Arrival of several Polly Pocket toys leads to creation of Pollynesia off Wardrobe Way

Toyland Express celebrates 2nd birthday

THE TOYLAND EXPRESS IS HOSTING A LAVISH PARTY at its swanky offices in downtown Smallvania tonight to celebrate exactly two years since its very first online issue. This is the 106th installment in Emily's favourite blog, averaging at around one post a week.

It is not without its critic. Whinges one rather rude Bramble Department Store toyshop employee - 'Hmph of 105 posts, there've only been 32 in the last year! It's sq****ing rubbish'

'Well I think its marvellous,' said Ducky Mallard, who has been mentioned more than any other character except Marissa, who he is poised to overtake very soon. Ducky is four years old.

Toyland's most popular newspaper now looks back on how times have changed since 2006...

6th October 2006
*Express launches online edition following a successful summer of print editions on the Toyland whiteboard.
*Marissa starts at the University of Sunnydale for her degree in colouring-in
*Toytown Star (now bankrupt) is popular weekly newspaper
*Shawly worries about how things will turn out on Mummy's birthday

6th October 2007
*Chris and Spurry still rule Smallvania, imminently to be re-conquered by King Cheeky
*Spurry reminisces about her trip around Europe with Philip
*Emily in Mrs Lioness's class
*Shawly worries about how things will turn out on Mummy's birthday

6th October 2008
*Toys have been on record number of holidays in past 12 months, from Claire McKuchen in Paris, to Marissa in Andorra and Ducky in Barbados to name just a few, all documented in The Express
*Ryan and Nazzy are parents to Baby Rose
*The Jellycat Bunch has goodness knows how many members
*Shawly worries about how things will turn out on Mummy's birthday

In between we've seen everything from Elmo being sung to sleep by Andrea Bocelli to Chris and Spurry celebrating their 2.5 wedding anniversary. Ducky even got restuffed.

In the next year of Express installments we hope to cover a Christmas skiing trip with no doubt the top two toys Marissa and Ducky, Marissa's graduation from Sunnydale and maybe some stories not involving Marissa, like another trip to London, or Sabrina Spellman getting contact lenses.

Happy Birthday!

TE

Mayor unveils first electric light

THERE WAS A VICTORIAN EXCITEMENT in the dusty streets of Smallvania last night when Mayor Puddleduck switched on the first ever toy electric-powered light in Toyland. Neither Andrew's nor Philip's Toylands had proper electric lights, and until yesterday it was only the bedside lamp in Kensington Palace that could lay claim to being remotely close to a toy light.

'I am delighted that there is now a light in Smallvania, on my horse-drawn caravan' said the Mayor.

Some were critical that amid the credit crunch, the Mayor appeared to be splashing out taxpayers' money on lavish lightbulbs, while businesses such as Bramble Enterprises struggle to pay their debts.

'I'd like to make clear I bought the AA batteries and light with my own money!' he added.

'I just think its fantastic that the first owner of a proper electric toy light is a duck!' said local Bostonian Ducky Mallard, who didn't appear at all jealous. Ducky is four years old.

In other news...
Bramble Enterprises sells off nursery business and cuts pay for staff

Marissa Cooper enrols at her final year of Sunnydale University
Lego Village rumoured to be considering new 5 Dirum coin

Girls club sweeps to easy victory in Monopoly game

THE GIRLS CLUB WERE CELEBRATING last night on the Girls' Club cruiseliner after their representative Emily easily beat Philip, Emily's brother and representative of the Toyish Boys' Club, in a game of Monopoly.

'We were all delighted to see Emily take three train stations and several key properties including the Strand and Whitechapel Road. We were worried when Philip took Mayfair and once commanded extortionate rent on that site but we quickly recovered with a speedy sale of Pall Mall' said Sabrina Spellman of the Girl's Club.

Ryan, who chaired the Boys' Club meeting of that night, was less pleased. 'You'd think Philip, who is always down in London and is going to live there and everything would do better. He didn't even get Fleet Street where his job is! A postman could have done better!' Ryan is the Toyland postman.

'I watched the whole thing!' said Ducky. Ducky is four years old.


Some small toys playing Monopoly yesterday

The Toyland Express looks at what might appear on a Toyland Monopoly board

Old Kent Road - The Keyboard, Oldsville
Whitechapel Road - The Spare Bed, Oldsville

The Angel, Islington - The Guinea Pig hutch
Euston Road - The Guinea Pig run
Pentonville Road - Emily's patch of the garden

Pall Mall - The Lego Village
Whitehall - Wardrobe Way
Northumberland Avenue - The Chris & Spurry Steakplace

Strand - Sunshine Avenue
Fleet Street - The Barry Bramble Department Store
Trafalgar Square - Smallvania Square

Leicester Square - The Stables
Coventry Street - Smallvania Libray
Piccadilly - The Dolls House

Regent Street - Boston Library
Oxford Street - Winnie's house at the foot of the bed
Bond Street - The Jellycat apartment

Park Lane - Ducky's house at the top of Emily's bed
Mayfair - Kensington Palace

In other news...
Smallvanians told to evacuate homes for strong Hurricane Julie and 'full hoover force winds'
Postman Ryan bags pay rise despite credit crunch
Polly Pocket airlines reassures toys that it is able to meet all flight bookings made on plastic orange aeroplane despite rising fuel costs

Complete Character Guide

1. Jeff Badger
99 year old badger, ex-Smallvanian mayor, hard of hearing

2. Mayor P. Puddleduck
Aggressive and offhand incumbent Smallvanian mayor

3. Jonathan Bramble
Set to follow in the footsteps of his father Barry, also a big Birmingham City FC fan

4. Donna Donkey
5. Jeremy
Little known homeless Sylvanians known for looking worse for wear

6. Nick Guinea Pig
7. Hayley Reindeer
8. Annie Guinea Pig
9. Pearl Dalmation
10. Garnet Meow
11. Rick Reindeer
14. Patch Dalmation
16. Madame Meow
Generic Sylvanian townsfolk of Smallvania

12. Emma Bramble
Enterprising daughter of Barry, known for fighting with her brother Jonathan and working at the Smallvanian Library

13. Graham Greybear
Local crossdressing comedy character, once named as the new king as an April Fool's by Chris Steakface, the then King of Smallvania

15. Mrs Bunny
New manager of the nursery, which replaced the Orphanage this summer, and is now nicknamed 'The Bunnage' for the amount of bunnies who attend

17. Mabel Badger
Ninety-something year old ex-Mayoress of Smallvania, normally found enjoying tiny portions of tea and toast in the Bramble Cafe

18. Barry Bramble
'Birmingham born and bred' entrepreneur and proprietor of Barry Bramble Enterprises, which owns the Barry Bramble Department Store with its toyshop, juice stand and cafe; the Stables; the nursery and a small percentage of the library

19. Monsieur Meow
French chef of the Bramble cafe

20. Mick Guinea Pig
21. Dick Reindeer
22. Mayoress Petra Puddleduck
23. Molly Guinea Pig
24. Donna Reindeer
25. Liz Bramble
Generic Sylvanian townsfolk of Smallvania

26. Mrs Dalmation
Angry and underpaid employee of Barry Bramble, runs the juice stand and the toy shop. Married and divorced from Sam the Squirrel. Uses Toyish swearing ('squeaking') more than any other character, despite working in a child-orientated job

27. Christopher Apple-Blossom
Baker in the Sylvanian bakery in Smallvania. Admired for refusing to sell his business to Barry Bramble, despite constant offers

28. Ducky Mallard
Highly successful limited edition Bear Factory duck with two voices and two hearts. Has lived on and slept in Emily's bed since birth. Real name Dotty. Ducky is four years old. Enjoys expansive wardrobe and frequent foreign holidays

29. Phoebe Nightingale
Sleepy pyjama-clad Jellycat doll from Bedfordshire, England. Known for her posh accent, yawning, and having different hair to the rest of the Jellycat Bunch

30. Sabrina Spellman
Aged 23, the oldest of the Jellycat Bunch. Official Toyland doctor and secretly graduated from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

31. Marissa Cooper
Fun-loving and talkative Californian brunette, aged 20. Works as the King's personal adviser as well as undertaking a colouring-in degree at Sunnydale University, where she graduates next year. Hopes to be an illustrator. Sent to Toyland by her Daddy to learn how to behave and after escaping from the Land of Old Toys (now Oldsville) in a possibly apocryphal story, now undoubtedly the most successful and well-known of Emily's toys

32. Claire McKuchen
Fire-haired Texan and best friend of Marissa Cooper, enjoys a glamorous lifestyle and known to be Emily's mum's favourite of the Jellycat Bunch.

33. Hershey Bear
Seventies soul singer who had hits such as 'Easy (like Sunday Morning)', 'Never Give Up on a Good Thing' and 'Endless Love' but has since fallen into obscurity, trying to make ends meet playing his songs at various low profile bar concerts. Brief comeback when dated Marissa in 2005, followed by Sabrina. Known to wail at night begging Marissa to take him back

34. Canada Jack
The only Canadian toy, best known for being the first big toy to move to Smallvania. Now resides in Oldsville

35. Little Lion
Brother of Queen Nala and member of the royal family. Lives in Kensington Palace

36. Lapinou
Royal chef, French, lives and works in Kensington Palace

37. Marshmellow
Absolutely filthy formerly pink dog, lives in Oldsville

38. D.A.W.G.
Talkative and soft dog from Oldsville, with a good bark and an insatiable desire to be with Marshmellow, who shows him no interest no matter how often he sniffs her bum

39. Leo
Small Bostonian lion, who Chris Steakface insists is his best friend

40. Stur
Even smaller lion beanbag, emigrated from Andrew's Toyland some years ago

41. L'il Whitey
Little brother of White Teddy, passionate about campaigning over climate change and saving our ecosystems

42. Shamu
Royal butler, with Penny Penguin

43. HRH Princess Carly Spots
Jungolo in Africa daughter of Cheeky and Nala, second in line to the throne. Aged nine, best known for doing her homework and excellent impressions of all other characters. Attends St Trillian's School for Girls, like her mother did, and seen as much more intelligent and athletic than her older brother Simba

44. HRH Queen Nala Spots
Very quiet wife of King Cheeky. Attended St Trillian's School for Girls where she met Cheeky over the fence at break time, where he was attending the next door St Trillian's School for Boys. The pair both went to Oxford University before returning to Cape Town, where they were eventually sent to Toyland by Emily's Granny. Very rarely talks, but takes over as Cheeky's deputy when away and is very bossy when put in charge

45. HRH Prince Simba Spots
Slightly podgy and overweight heir to the throne, aged eleven. Loves eating crisps, chocolate and other junk food snacks. Favourite song is 'I Just Can't Wait to be King' from the Lion King movie soundtrack

46. HRH King Cheekius 'Cheeky' Popsalot Spots
King of Toyland, arrived on August 1st 2003. Went through a phase of being a mean king who enjoyed taxing his citizens heavily, but as he has grown older he has softened and become more caring, generous and positive about his kingdom. Usurped by Chris as King of Smallvania for a period over 2006-07 but defeated and quickly forgave his rival at the Battle of Smallvania, as reported in this newspaper. Sports an expensive red velvet Barbie robe, and lives in Kensington Palace atop Emily's bed, overlooking Toyland. Also King of some disputed parts of Oldsville. First toy of the Born in Africa bunch.

47. Chico Gonzalez
Only boy Jellycat, Chico is a Mexican-born cousin of Claire McKuchen. Known for being highly talented on his Heelys and at football. His hispanic background also makes him fluent in Spanish and a big fan of flamenco guitar music. Very humble and often overwhelmed, seeing himself as just a regular schoolboy. Lacks the usual self-importance of members of the influential Jellycat Bunch

48. Peanut
Rug-like pet dog of Marissa Cooper, bought in Covent Garden and named after the first word spotted in a random flick through a book in the same toyshop. Replaced Frankie, the purple-bowed poodle who was lost on Marissa's trip to California in 2006

49. Kaitlin Cooper
Nine year old sister of Marissa, universally loved by all she meets. Top of the class at Sunnydale Juniors, always smiling and keen to learn and have fun. Also sent by her Daddy to learn how to behave but has quickly adapted to Toyland culture

50. Lizzie McGuire
First Jellycat owned by Emily, but less successful owing to being a mermaid. Half-sister of Sabrina Spellman. Rarely speaks or is spoken to

51. The Hungry Lion
Wide-eyed lion always in search of some rabbit stew

52. Winnie the Pooh
Long-serving Mayor of Boston, known to be quite boring but engages in daily chats across the bed with Ducky. Also a hot water bottle cover/pyjama case

53. White Teddy
One of the original toys of Emily, member of the famous 'Pinky Whitey Lamby Shawly' foursome years ago. Came back to popularity following a trip to Boston, USA with Emily's Dad and a starring role in the Story of Marissa. Now works in Kensington Palace and dates Marissa Cooper

54. Prime Minister Philip Nizz
Australian Build-a-Bear toy with maximum stuffing. Appointed Prime Minister of the Land of Old Toys by King Cheeky before declaring it independent and renaming it Oldsville. Leads what he calls the 'heroic struggle' against 'Cheeky's imperial occupation' of the downstairs room

55. Warty Warthog
Large Born in Africa warthog - about sums it up, really

56. Lionel Richie
Non-royal lion

57. Elmo
Former head policeman of Toyland until replaced on general duty by Claire and Spurry for always letting people off. Catchphrase is 'Elmo says stop!'

58. Penny Penguin
Royal butler

59. Creamcake
62. Twitch
Generic Bostonian townsfolk characters

60. Edward Wafflington
Pet duck of Kaitlin Cooper, loves baths and reading from his encyclopedia. Very posh and clever but never shows up his loving owner

61. Shortbread
Bratz pony

63. Porkchop
Jellycat cow, lives in Jellycat Bunch household as a pet

64. Emma
Little English Schoolgirl, runs untidy carpark under the bed.

65. The Flying Turtle
Always features in Carly's Homework

66. Ribbons
Even Emily didn't know who this is

67. Abi
Sabrina's cat

68. Snowski
Claire's pet bunny rabbit, named because Emily got it on a skiing holiday and it is snow coloured

69. Christopher Steakface
Smartly dressed South African bear, fond of all manly activities such as rugby, cricket and drinking Castle Lager. Runs the Chris & Spurry Steakplace in Boston where his speciality is BBQing everything from steak to banana milkshakes (a trade secret). Founded the Boys Club and the Three Inches High Club, which went on to lead the revolution making Smallvania independent for a short period

70. Stephen Steakface
Oldest son of Chris and Spurry

71. Spurry's Sister
Toy who shares Spurry's voice button of saying '*Kiss* I love you!', so therefore must be related

72. Spurinda 'Spurry' Steakface
Originally a charity keyring bought at the Spur restaurant in Cape Town, on a holiday in which she met Chris whom she dated then married and now has two children and runs a business with. Recently employed with Claire as the Toyland policewoman. Known for her feisty attitude and love of (usually) playfully 'pummelling' people, as well as bossing Chris around despite her diminuative stature. Proud of being Jewish

73. Nazalia 'Nazzy' Atwood
Née Nazalia Star, Wintertime Wonderland L'il Bratz doll enjoys ski-ing and selling candy floss. Enjoyed some success as a popstar before moving into the Bratz mansion and marrying her long-time boyfriend Ryan Atwood.

74. Ryan Atwood
Whiney sounding postman Bratz doll with blonde hair, muscles and a perfect life

75. Adriana 'Adie' Atwood
Pig-tailed sister of Ryan, lives with all the L'il Bratz dolls in the Bratz mansion (the dolls house). Works at the bakers and wants to be a teacher

76. Zara
Only ethnic minority Bratz doll, behaves like all the other girls

77. Mazzy Star
Identical twin sister of Nazzy Star, also had a slightly successful music career

78. Lucas Gabriel
Spanish American Bratz and best friend of Ryan Atwood. Drives a convertible and thrills the residents of Smallvania with his stylish ways

79. Natalie Star
Rock n Roll Bratz doll with a range of very short skirts, guitars and related accessories. The youngest of the L'il Bratz, known to say 'Er, whatever!' if spoken to

80. Baby Rose Atwood
Wooden daughter of Ryan and Nazzy Atwood with her father's hair and mother's eyes

81. Pudsen
82. Freya Dalmation
83. Cheese Bunny
84. Pepperoni Meow
85. Tomato Bunny
90. Gingernut the Squirrel
91. Honey 'Funny' Bunny
All Sylvanian orphans who live in the nursery

86. Jemima Puddleduck
87. Diana Puddleduck
88. Cuthbert Puddleduck
89. Bertha Puddleduck
Children of Mayor and Mayoress Puddleduck, live in the Sylvanian Canal Boat (pronounced 'Can-nal')

92. David Steakface
Second son of Chris and Spurry. Jewish.

93. Shawly
By far the oldest character, originally from Philip's Toyland, Shawly is twenty years old and is a much loved blanket who has occassionally had speaking roles in the past and can play the trumpet but generally exists only as a soft bedtime essential, even through its increasingly threadbare days

Not pictured
94. Sam the Squirrel
Ex-convict from Ikea, went on a rampage in Toyland one day annoyed with what he perceived as everybody 'taking everything for granted'. Has a 'hook hairstyle', much to the annoyance of Spurry. Despite having served his time in prison, most of Toyland hasn't forgiven him

95. Ducky's Mum
Heavily Lipstickked McDonald's toy with dreadful fashion sense and a bizarrely small size for someone who is Ducky's mum. Helps Ducky get dressed

96. The Toyland Inspector
Also a McDonald's toy, dressed in a tweed waistcoat, the Toyland Inspector checks all Toyland buildings for health and safety and can close them down

97. Snuffles
One of Emily's guinea pigs, made an honorary resident of Boston by King Cheeky

98. Nibbles
The other of Emily's guinea pigs

99. Ducky's Fairy Godmother
The fairy that hangs from the ceiling above Emily's bed

100. Virgina / Supersmall
Tiny toy who lives in Emily's schoolshoes and secretly transforms into Toyland's best known (and only) superhero

TE

24 hours in pictures: Toys gather for Express-sponsored group photo

MOST OF EMILY'S TOYS (ABOUT 93% of them) gathered on Sunshine Avenue, Boston, today for a group photo of all the characters that could be found from Boston, Smallvania and Oldsville.


Claire McKuchen gets ready for the photoshoot



The finished product


'After three, go crazy - 1, 2...!!!'


Ducky's Fairy Godmother watches proceedings from the ceiling. Ducky is four years old.


The Jellycat Bunch pose for a private photo

Don't miss this week's special pull-out-and-keep poster guide to who's who - the most comprehensive list of all Emily's toys ever compiled!

TE

King lives like king in London

KING CHEEKY visited London with Emily on Saturday to see the Lion King musical in the West End. For the first time in his life he sampled city living, enjoying his first trip outside the house since possibly as long ago as 2004.


Pictured: His Royal Highness outside a traditional red phone box in Leicester Square

'It was so lovely, I'd just like to take this opportunity to thank Emily again for taking me along in her bag. The Lion King has been a great inspiration for my life, obviously my wife is called Nala and I named my son Simba,' beamed Cheeky.


Pictured: The King takes the tube

'I've learnt a lot about ruling a kingdom recently,' reflected the most famous of the Toyland royals, perhaps thinking of his recent successes in closing down the Smallvanian Orphanage and replacing it with a well-supplied nursery, as well as managing to sleep with Emily two nights in a row at time of writing. 'I didn't get to meet Queen Elizabeth unfortunately, but I did go Hamley's on Regent Street, one of the biggest toyshops in the world.'


Pictured: The King had a spacious stall in the Royal Circle, appropriately.


Pictured: Our King Cheeky is snapped by paparazzi from Toylands in London. Onlookers said the king was complimented for being King of one of the most complex toylands of modern schoolchildren. He is admired for ruling over toys which have their own towns, currency system and even a top quality newspaper. He is also now King of the next Olympics host city, Boston.

The King's fortunes have suddenly rapidly improved, from a low point two years ago when he wasn't at all considered one of Emily's favourite toys.


Pictured: Cheeky tucking into a chocolate eclair in Covent Garden market. Upon seeing this photograph, local university student and part time campaigner Marissa Cooper couldn't control herself any further, and exploded with indignation that she was not taken, being the most popular toy and having grown used to being taken on these outings. 'Humph humph humph!' she said as she folded her arms melodramatically.

As we can see, our King was riding high in the city of the moment.

More inside today's Express
Comment: King's good fortune is good for us all

TE

Oldsville hands over Olympics in style

THE OLYMPICS 2008 HAVE COME TO AN END in Oldsville, with an expensive display of fireworks and processions of the top athletes of the sporting event.

'These Olympics have been very important for the toyish world,' said a representative for the Toyland Olympics Committee. 'Countries have learnt about Oldsville and Oldsville has learnt about other countries. The former "Land of Old Toys" is no longer isolated. Its residents should be proud.'

It is not known how much Oldsville residents will give up on their traditioal longings to move to, or in some cases return to, Emily's Toyland upstairs. What is known is that Prime Minister Nizz looked incredibly proud when he handed the Olympic flag over to Mayor Winnie to Pooh of Boston, which is to be the next host city of the Games.

The final medal table was as follows:
1. Oldsville
2. Boston
3. Philip's Toyland
4. Smallvania
5. Grace's Toyland

'We are very excited to be holding the Toyland Olympics 2012 here in Boston' said King Cheeky. 'Emily is also pleased that they will be held in her hometown,' he added, referring to how Emily's bed is in Boston and therefore is considered by many to be a Bostonian.

'I'm so exciiiitedd!' said one Bostonian partying in front of Kensington Palace at the handover party today. Ducky is four years old.

In this week's editions of The Toyland Express - London special!
King lives like a king in London
Express2: Our reporter discovers a whole world of luxury toy homes and cars in Hamley's, London

Boston storms ahead in Oldsville

THE BOSTONIAN OLYMPIANS have stormed to second place in the medals table after languishing between 4th and 5th in the first half of the 2008 Oldsville Olympics.

Their successes came on Saturday when cyclists Sabrina Spellman and Phoebe Nightingale won Gold in the sailing regatta and cycling marathon respectively. Phoebe Nightingale cycled up and down treacherous hilly terrain to the Punchbowl, hundreds of Toyish miles away from Oldsville.


Pictured: Sarah, Grace's Toyland's entry for the cycling marathon, took Bronze, despite carrying her pet pooch along with her

'I thought it was over when I fell off my bike on a particularly steep hill,' said Nightingale, aged 21. Onlookers thought she had fallen asleep because she was going so slow.

'Well it is her trademark! Wouldn't have surprised me!' said an acid-tongued spectator, Mrs Mouse.

Coming second in that marathon was Spurry Steakface (Smallvania), a cycling veteran now said to be more accustomed to driving. Despite racing ahead early on, eager to make it to her hair appointment, she fell behind when bumping into one of the builders of the new Chris & Spurry Steakplace on the way.

'And I missed my hair appointment - again! I need to get my hook restyled for the closing ceremony!' said Steakface.


Pictured: Failing to qualify for the cycling pursuit final from the initial heats was this odd-looking toy said to be representing Philip's Toyland. He is believed to be from the loft.

Ryan Atwood won gold for Smallvania in the cycling pursuit, beating his opponent, Wise Teddy, from the host country Oldsville.

'I think Wise did excellently, but he is getting a little old and slow and where once he was the best at this sport I think he should take more of a backseat role, offering cycling advice and wisdom to younger participants' said a particularly sage Ducky Mallard. Ducky is four years old.

Ducky himself will be competing in the breadrace tomorrow, where participants swim around a pond catching as much bread as they can. Other events coming up next week include the long awaited Trampolining contest, the corridor sprint and women's gymnastics, where Boston is expected to do well.


Pictured: Other events that have already taken place include weightlifting, where Chris Steakface, known as "Toyland's Strongest Chef", took Gold for Smallvania. This not very well known character took Silver for Philip's Toyland. Representatives from the Oldsville Olympic Committee said they did not enquire as to where Philip was getting his participants from.

THE MEDALS TABLE AS IT STANDS
1. Oldsville (35 gold, 13 silver, 13 bronze)
2. Boston (19 gold, 21 silver, 25 bronze)
3. Smallvania (11 gold, 6 silver, 8 bronze)
4. Philip's Toyland (3 gold, 2 silver, 1 bronze)
5. Grace's Toyland (1 gold, 1 silver, 1 bronze)

In other news...
Outlook uncertain for Emily voyage to Newcastle - toys 'pleased'
Interviews for Saturday London theatre trip tickets with Emily next week
Worry grows in disputed region of Oldsville that King Cheeky plans invasion

Toyish Olympics open with swimming successes

THE TOYLAND OLYMPICS BEGAN TODAY ACROSS THE HOUSE after a spectacular opening ceremony in Oldsville, the host country.


Pictured: Lego swimmers from Smallvania were barred from entering the competition after scandal emerged about their controversial training practices

Oldsville, formerly the Land of Old Toys, is enjoying the international attention after it was controversially chosen as the host by Edd the Duck, President of the Toyish Olympics Association. Despite reports that some countries would not show up for the events, in protest at the levels of poverty and corruption in that country, all countries invited are participating. Even King Cheeky attended the opening ceremony, appearing to finally admit Oldsville's independence.

The five countries fielding athletes are Boston and Smallvania (competing separately although under one King), Philip's Toyland (despite its very low population of toys), Oldsville and Grace's Toyland.

Today at Emily's bathtime the mixed freestyle race took place across the bath. Ryan Atwood, the athletic postman Bratz doll, took the gold as expected for Smallvania, with silver going to a small frog toy from Oldsville and bronze to a Barbie doll from Grace's Toyland.

Ducky, sporting a brand new bikini, only managed fourth despite being a pond animal with excellent doggy paddle. Ducky is four years old. The crowd were nevertheless impressed with his new swimwear, which he bragged was from exotic Barbados.

More events will occur tomorrow, and the Toyland Express will provide daily coverage as the medals pile up.

King Cheeky's birthday forgotten again

HIS ROYAL HIGHNESS KING CHEEKIUS POPSALOT SPOTS THE FIRST celebrated his 5th birthday to himself on Friday 1st August, Toyland residents only just realised yesterday. It is not at all the first time this has happened, due to Emily being on holiday without the King once again.

The first of August marks the date Cheeky arrived in Toyland, which was then not even named. He quickly established himself as King of the new kingdom which he has ruled ever since, joined by Queen Nala in 2004, and overcoming a brief phase from 2006 to 2007 where Smallvania declared itself independent. He is the only toy other than Ducky Mallard and local loudmouth Marissa Cooper and to have a consistently recognised birthday date.

A spokesman for Kensington Palace, the official residence of the entire royal family, said the King had celebrated privately with his family but wouldn't have minded at least a birthday card from Emily and the other toys. Cheeky is also believed to have said at least he didn't make a fuss like Prime Minister Nizz of the Land of Old Toys (Oldsville), who ordered a public procession two months ago despite running a very poor country.

'Eu. I have cooked King Cheeky a special birthday zebra steak,' said Bostonian chef Chris Steakface, proprietor of the Chris & Spurry Steakplace, upon realising his mistake. Relatively young, Chris Steakface only arrived in Toyland in April 2005, so has only been living here three and a half years. His human age is unknown as he is second hand, as shown by his loose threads.

'Wawww birthday cards started flooding my postal satchel from Saturday!' said postman Ryan Atwood.

'Excuse-me, local LOUDMOUTH?!' commented Cooper, 20, before adding 'Cooper? Has the Toyland Express gone off me or something? At least call me Coop or The Coopster. It's just cooler.' The Coopster will match Cheeky's five years at Christmas this year.

'My mummy has bought me a present to give to King Cheeky when I next see him,' said Ducky. Ducky is four years old.

Cheeky was seen sleeping in Emily's bed all weekend to celebrate being five human years old. Cheeky's Toyish age is 67.

The next birthday that toys might want to remember is Kaitlin Cooper, Toyish age nine, who has lived in Boston two years this October.

In other news...
Rare photo of baby Emily with Rosie uncovered
McKuchen working Wednesday and Saturday giving Toyland Tours

Giant animal invades Toyland horror

THE HONORARY RESIDENT OF BOSTON, the guinea pig Snuffles, visited Toyland yesterday as a guest of King Cheeky.


Pictured: The King and Snuffles pose for an official photograph ((C) Kensington Palace)

The big toys were delighted to see the pet, who is about the size of the King himself. Ducky Mallard took a while to understand Snuffles was not a toy. 'She must be battery operated!' he kept saying. 'But I can't see any remote control!' Ducky is four years old.

Especially pleased to see the guest was local Sunnydale university student Marissa Cooper, 20, who met Snuffles and her sister Nibbles last May. This time Marissa introduced her own sister, Kaitlin (aged 9) to the furry friend.

However the small toy residents of Smallvania were more aghast when Snuffles was taken for a walk around the bustling town centre of Smallvania Square. Local entrepreneur Barry Bramble was heard 'yelping' and telling all adults and children not to leave their homes.

Bramble had reason to be worried when the guinea pig stormed into his house, knocking him over. 'No one was hurt, thank goodness! I hope never to see that awful gigantic monster again!'


Pictured: Express exclusive: Snuffles storms into the house of Barry Bramble.

When asked what she thoughts of Toyland, Snuffles stayed silent for a few seconds then said, 'SQUEEEAK!' before running under a pillow. King Cheeky said the visit of the honorary resident had been a great success and symbolised a 'great friendship' between Toyland and residents of the garden. He did not comment on the absence of Nibbles.


Pictured: Marissa (20), Kaitlin (9) and Snuffles (1).

TE

Jellycat Bunch storm Talent Show

MARISSA, SABRINA AND CLAIRE swept to a remarkable victory in the Toyland Summer Fete Talent Contest today, being commended by the judges for an 'original, inventive and witty' performance.

The Jellycat Bunch performed a series of sketches making parody of everyday life in Boston and Smallvania. In one particularly memorable sketch, Marissa pretended to be Chris Steakface hiding from his notoriously bossy wife, new Bostonian policewoman Spurry, played by Claire McKuchen. Sabrina played a stern-faced newsreader.

The judges were King Cheeky, Ryan Atwood and the Fete sponsor, Barry Bramble of Bramble Enterprises Inc. They gave second place to Ducky Mallard, who impressed the audience by singing a solo of 'Happy Birthday' in the style of Marilyn Monroe.

Marissa proudly presented her prize: 'I chose a family day out to the Back Garden Safari, to see lots of bugs, bees and guinea pigs!'. Her little sister Kaitlin, 9, looked on beaming.

Other highlights of the Summer Fete, which took place mostly in Sunnydale Juniors school hall due to the rain, were Mrs Mouse's Cake Sale and a pony ride on Shortbread, run by her owner Nazzy Star. Mrs Mouse even refrained from sq***king in front of the children.

Proceeds will go to The Smallvanian Orphanage trust fund.

Ducky is four years old.

TE

Inflation hits Toyland

THE TOYLAND EXPRESS HAS CALCULATED THE REAL cost of living in Toyland, with King Cheeky denying prices are really rises that much. We calculated the percentage rise since this time last year in the price of the most popular Toyland items for sale in Smallvania square and other shopping destinations. The results show how toys are being forced to spend more and more dirums!

1 loaf of white bread - Price up 75%
1 Cat shaped biscuit from Christopher Appleyard's bakery - Price up 50%
Steak and chips at the C&S Steakplace - Price up 75%
Wooden dolls house toy train - Price up 5%
BBQ milkshake at the C&S Steakplace - Figures unavailable as only recently invented.
Pink dress with poodles on it - Price down 20%
1 copy of the Toyland Express - STILL ONLY 80p!
30 minute tour of Kensington Palace - Figures unavailable as only recently built.


On the one price to fall in our list, 'Excuse me!!!' observed one Jellycat doll who insisted her best dress was very valuable.
'Bread costs 75% more dirums??' exclaimed a shocked Bostonian duck. 'It takes an IQ Olympics champion to understand these prices!'

Ducky is four years old.

Bramble 'Apprentice' Nugget Scandal

LOCAL ENTREPRENEUR BARRY BRAMBLE was at the centre of what commentators called 'Nuggetgate' this weekend.

One of the contestants of his new show, The Brambleprentice, created a scene at the renowned greasy spoon cafe at the Barry Bramble Department Store. On mishearing a customer order, contestant Graham Greybear mistakenly served the customer Onion and Goats Cheese lattice instead of cod and chips, as ordered.

Greybear then proceeded to, after much protest, replace the dish but then charge for both.

'He says he mishead my order,' said the customer, a Mr Jeff Badger, aged 99, a regular at the cafe. 'But how can you mistake cod and chips for onion and goats cheese lattice?' he asked.

'Goats cheese is horrible. We had to eat it during the war when all the cows had to go and fight the Germans. I never have any problem hearing anyone and I am ninety-nine!'

Our reporter asked Badger if he would be returning to his favourite greasy spoon cafe.

'What?' he replied.

Graham Greybear was appearing on The Brambleprentice in a task which required teams to run a real life cafe. His team lost. On the show, broadcast on the Toyland Network on Wednesday night at 8pm, Barry Bramble told Greybear:

'This entire task was an absolute squ**king disaster. I've been in business since I was fourteen and have never treated a customer so badly. And for the record my cafe is not a greasy spoon.'

Greybear responded that in the next challenge he would apply 175% effort.

'I won't hear anymore of it. You're fired!' said Bramble.

Barry Bramble dropped out of school as a teenager and started a business selling used coathangers for twenty pence out of the back of a disused treehouse to fellow schoolchildren. Since then he has built up his empire to include a department store with a toyshop, and a clothing shop, in the centre of Smallvania. He also owns shares in Polly Pocket airways. The winner of The Brambleprentice will win a job with Bramble, stacking shelves for a 'two-figure salary'.

TE

In other news
Lucas shows off swimming skills as L'il Bratz take a dip in Rowlands Gill

Special Report

AFTER THE CELEBRATIONS OF EMILY TURNING 9 last weekend, a national holiday in Toyland, the Toyland Express interviewed residents old and new to ask what they thought of the new arrivals...

Lucas Bento and his friend Mazzy Star are probably the most important arrivals in Toyland. They are living in the Dolls' House with the other L'il Bratz.

Mazzy, the identical twin of one-time popstar and candyfloss seller Nazzy, said 'I love it here! Who could think a Bratz could live in a house made of wood? With such lovely furniture too! Although people do keep mistaking me for my sister Nazzy. Its especially embarrasing when Ryan does! They must all remember the difference is that I wear a belt. When I take the belt off I can see why people get confused!' Mazzy is an ice-skater.

Lucas, due to be initiated into the Boys' Club this evening, added, 'Hey yeah this place is pretty sweet, and I don't mind livin' in a house with so many others. My friend, I come from an Italian family, I have fifteen brothers and sixteen sisters, and two sets of great-grandparents who are still alive. I like big families!' The slick black-haired 'action figure' is apparently winning the hearts of many, particularly local toy shop owner Mrs Mouse.

'He's squeaking gorgeous!' she squeaked, as Lucas jumped into the new Bratz white cadillac to buy some ciabbata rolls for lunch.

'Wawwwwwwwwwww don't forget about me!' interrupted Ryan, telling us how pleased he was to have a fellow boy in the house to do 'Boys stuff' with, which he said included things like watching the rugby, the cricket, the golf, the football, Top Gear, and drinking beer.

Across Smallvania in the bakery, depending on the direction of the wind, Toyland has a new aroma of freshly baked bread, which the new baker, Christopher Appleyard, gets up at half past four in the morning to bake. The Toyland Inspector reported that the bakery was the finest and safest building he'd ever inspected. Appleyard has purportedly politely declined all of local business emperor Barry Bramble's offers to make the bakery part of his corporation.

'Eu! Another Christopher? I don't know what to think about this!' said Chris Steakface.
'Did you say his surname was Appleyard?' asked Spurry, but there was no time for this reporter to answer as Chris Steakface was eager to show us the newly opened Chris and Spurry Steakplace building, also wooden, in Boston.

'It's a converted CD rack. We kept the original beams. We cater for Smallvanians and Bigvanians *ahem* I mean Bostonians alike,' Chris explained as King Cheeky tucked into a raw zebra steak with his family.

'This definitely isn't Carly's homework!' said His Royal Highness.

Amid all this excitement, a large duck flew in, with wrapping paper stuck to his wings. 'It was my birthday too!' said Ducky.

'Ahem EXCUSE-ME!' cried a local university student with a Californian twang to her accent and a box of wax crayons in her satchel. 'You've mentioned all these characters but not ME? Look at me look at me look at me!'

Ducky is four years old.

Ducky 'recovering' after being rushed to hospital

DUCKY MALLARD'S CONDITION WAS DESCRIBED AS 'stable and healthy' last night as he recovered at home after a lengthy operation of open-back surgery. The Bostonian resident was restuffed following an external wound discovered the previous day. He was also installed with a new voice.

The ordeal started on Sunday afternoon when Emily noticed a cut in Ducky's back, which was bleeding fluff. Ducky's weight loss had been commented upon, though up until now this had been down to natural squashing of his stuffing, a condition doctors say is caused by 'above average amounts of hugging'.

Ducky was rushed to the Toyland doctor, Sabrina Spellman, who has only recently passed her final medicine exams. 'It was really exciting, this duck came in with a huge wound on his back and I got to just stick my hands in there to temporarily stitch it together!' beamed Sabrina, who has been enjoying her first taste of real responsibility as a doctor.

Once out of accident and emergency, yesterday Ducky was driven to the local Build-a-Bear where, under anaesthetic, he was restuffed and properly stitched up, after having a second voice installed. His new voice, when pressed, exclaims 'My name's Ducky - and I like eating bread!'.


Pictured: An example of the stuffing machine to which Ducky was attached.

'The shop assistants were so professional, I thank them so much!' said Ducky when he came out, sporting a new Hello Kitty T-shirt as a present for being so brave from Emily.

Ducky has undergone toy surgery once before, when he was given a replacement voice and a second heart.

'He's so brave! My big brave ducky son!' said Ducky's Mum, who had topped up her lipstick especially for Express reporters.

Ducky is three years old.

Happy Easter Toys!

THE TOYLAND EXPRESS WISHES YOU A HAPPY EASTER!!!

Pictured: Local university student Marissa Cooper decorates her traditional Easter tree

Silver wedding anniversary

CHRIS AND SPURRY STEAKFACE CELEBRATED their 2.5th wedding anniversary yesterday. The South African bear and Jewish monkey met three years ago in Cape Town, and said that the 2.5 years they have spent 'just flew by'.

Pictures of the newlyweds showed none of the loose threads or dirty marks now visible on the toys' faces. 'People used to say I was like a child getting married,' observed Spurry. 'Then again people still mistake me for a child! Aaaaaah!'

In their 2.5 years together, Chris and Spurry have had two children, Stephen and David. They live in a flat in the Dolls House in Smallvania. They celebrated their silver anniversary with a trip to the luxury 'Brambles' restaurant, just opened on Sunshine Avenue.

'2.5 years for two toys is a remarkable achievement. Here's to 2.5 more! Well done Chris and Spurry' commented Ducky.

Ducky is three years old.

Chris is forty-two years old.

Andrea Bocellli sings Elmo to sleep

Visiting student samples Toyland culture

Pictured: Lionel the lion, Freida, Ducky and Truffles the Dog relax at Ducky's.

BOSTON WELCOMED THE STUDENT AMBASSADOR FOR BROWNIES last week, when Freida Floss, the official bear of Second Knowle Brownies, touched stayed on the bed. She soon made friends with the many other Bear Factory and Build-a-Bear residents of Toyland, introducing herself at the top of her lungs with a confident 'I BELONG TO SECOND KNOWLE BROWNIES!'

Freida sampled the national dish, steak and chips, and visited the sights of Kensington Palace and the stunning views over the garden. There was even time for shopping in the fashionable House of Bramble Department Store in bustling Smallvania Square.


Pictured: Freida was wined and dined courtesy of Emily, shown here enjoying a meal out in Hampton-in-Arden. She was said to remain happy even when her car waiting outside was parked in by Jeff and Mabel Badger who were attending the nearby Old Folks' Brass Band Concert.

Freida even visited the Land of Old Toys, and met Prime Minister Nizz, the Australian koala bear who runs day to day affairs there. Blueberry Blue showed her around the run down area, and told her about the various volunteering projects being run there.


Pictured: Blueberry with Freida in the Land of Old Toys. 'We look so similar!' they commented, in unison.

The Express asked Floss how Emily's Toyland compared to other Brownies' homes. 'It is about a hundred times better than any of them put together, of course,' she smiled, before adding that she belonged to Second Knowle Brownies.

Ducky is three years old.

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New Baby

NAZZY AND RYAN ATWOOD HAVE HAD THEIR FIRST BABY, born on Sunday 2nd March 2008, or Mothering Sunday. The latest addition to the Georgian dolls house, baby Rose was born with a full head of blonde hair to match her father's, and blue eyes to match her mother's.

'Our perfect little wooden baby!' said Nazzy of her new daughter, who she described as the 'Perfect gift for Mother's Day'

'Wawww it's Mothering Sunday!' interrupted Ryan, before adding how happy he was also.


Pictured: The happy family minutes after the birth. 'She is so big and healthy!' commented dolls house tenant Spurry Steakface. 'She is the size of me!'

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Coming soon
Floss the bear visits Toyland
Phoebe tells of ski-ing accident horror